Depression of the Arts....

Hey....

Im feeling really depressed now.....Im thinking about things that happened before and guilt builds....

Let me tell you a little about my whole....trauma thing....

4 yrs ago, my bro, Keith, was diagnosed with cancer....I really felt sorry for him the first couple days.....until it happened....

I woke up, getting ready for school, when I realised I was alone in the house....I went to the living room to find my grandmother, sitting on the couch, enjoying a cup of coffee.

She explained to me that my parents had to go to the hospital all day and night. I knew that my bro would need both parents to take care of him....but try saying that to a 10yr old kid who is a total egotistic child (not anymore).....

So, at first, I was okay about it, until I realised that if I wanted something, or wanted help with something, I had to wait a week or two....

Then came the belly...
When I was a child, I was the skinniest in my whole family. Well, that wasn't the case when I was 10.

See, chemo makes you very skinny, so my bro had to eat a lot of junk food. And my parents didn't have enough money to pay groceries since they quit there jobs to take care of my bro.

So when I was 10 1/2, I developed an uncomfort with my body....Super, I now have problems at home and Im fat.....great....

But that's not all....during the time, I developed psychological problems, so now I have fifty psychiatrists....

Another thing to add is that since my bro was going to ''die'', people offered him gifts, and gifts, and gifts....while I sat in my corner asking for a new Pokémon game and being shout out: ''No! Your brother is dying, and all you can think of is yourself? You should be ashamed of yourself....''

So now I have a consrant reminder of that when I see my bro walk into the living room with his laptop he got from the make a wish foundation....

The last thing to add is that, ever since my bro was diagnosed, Ive had trouble sleeping and turned lazy, and forgot a few things, which is probably why I don't do my homework....

Plus, I stress a lot now, thinking that something like that will happen again....

And, when my parents try to teach me a lesson for doing something wrong, it always starts like this: ''When your brother was in treatments....''

I have had great sadness in my life and no one gives a shit about it......Yes I swore, and I dont care, I have experienced the worst kind of life being constantly insulted of being fat, having the constant reminder of when your parents neglected you, and no one gives a shit about you.....

What reminded me of these memories again though, is when I was drawing earlier and realised I sucked....


So now I am typing this as my keybord is filled with tears of pain.....please forgive me of giving you a sad and shitty entry....

Ajax